At one point Grant and I were sitting together and ended up holding hands. He asked if I liked him and I replied that of course I did, we were good friends, even though I knew what he was implying. His feelings had changed and I wondered if mine had as well. I longed to be with my Love, but having Grant in my life was nice. It was nice having someone to talk to, someone who understood the pain of loss, and was there to listen and offer support. The party was nice and we left separately. I did receive a text message around midnight asking if I had arrived home safely. I replied that I had and said good night.
The next morning is where things took an interesting turn in a direction I hadn’t anticipated. Grant sent another text message around 6:00 am and asked if I’d like to come over to his place for a cup of tea. I told him that I couldn’t come immediately because I had a morning routine I needed to complete, but that I could come afterwards for a little bit. When I arrived however, he was in bed and asked me to join him for a few minutes just to cuddle. I hesitated momentarily but then joined him. He held me so tight I could hardly breathe.
The ten minutes turned into two hours and we did a lot more than just cuddle. It felt good to be held and touched that way but my heart ached for my Love and I felt so many emotions arise in me, with guilt being at the top of the list. I felt as though I had been making so much progress since the turmoil of 2011 and I didn’t want to fall back into old patterns, yet that was precisely what I was doing.