It was a nice reception. I got to meet everyone’s families but felt more alone because of that. I was the only one in my class with no one there to support me. Near the end of the reception, one of the guys from my class proposed a toast with a shot of tequila. For someone who doesn’t drink, I was a bit hesitant, but thought, what can it hurt? Needless to say, it didn’t sit very well with my stomach and I found myself in the ladies room mere moments before having to head to the Church. Somehow I made it through the ceremony without incident.
With diploma in hand I said my goodbyes and headed out to begin yet another chapter of my life. I figured with three university degrees, 20+ years of event management experience, and a large network, I was set. I had struggled to find the executive position I had left back in New York when I moved to the Bay Area, but just blamed it on the slow economy. I figured my new degree would help pave the way to success. I was getting occasional clients for my consulting business but that wasn’t nearly enough to live on. I needed to find a job, and soon.
The week leading up to Christmas was very difficult. I was feeling so alone: I tried to reach out to my family. My mother and I seem to have a love/hate relationship. I love her because, after all, she is my mother, but I never felt truly loved by her. It just seemed nothing I did was ever good enough. She was always very quick to help out with money or material possessions, but I never received the emotional support I longed for. Anytime I would express my wishes and dreams, she would change the subject and go on a tear about something in her life. After time our communication began to diminish. Whenever I would call, I could literally feel my energy being drained as the conversation progressed. Soon our daily calls turned weekly, then every once and a while. I literally felt like the life was being sucked from my body, and I could not allow that to happen.
Christmas Eve day arrived with sunshine and blue skies calling me out to breathe in the crisp December air. I decided to walk to Cavallo Point Lodge at the south end of town and listen to music along the way. I spent about an hour just relaxing which I desperately needed. I was feeling tired of late and had no energy. Just before 9 pm I headed to church for the Christmas Midnight Mass. I love that midnight mass in California falls at 9 pm. I remember all those years on the east coast actually fighting to stay awake. It was a lovely mass and great to see my friends. The congregation at my church really welcomed me when I first moved to Sausalito and they’ve continued to be a great support system for me.
I had trouble sleeping last night and got up at 1:30 am feeling nauseous. I barely made it to the bathroom in time before I was sick. I somehow managed to doze off but woke Christmas morning still feeling ill. The first thing that came to my mind was “OH NO….I can’t be PREGNANT.”